When I prescribe such a thing as scheduling time for sex, my clients barely allow me to close my mouth in the completion of the sentence, debunking the suggestion by replying that this would feel “mechanical”, and that sex should be “spontaneous”.
Here is what I have to say about that:
If you are trying to balance too many things in your life, let’s say, work, children, financial stress, trying to incorporate a fitness routine, and you find that you barely have enough time to sit down for a proper meal, let alone, think about having sex with your partner- Then you need to schedule time for sex!
Is having no sex at all better than the possibility that it might not feel completely spontaneous?
Now, let me clarify something important, I am not advocating that you set a timer on your phone and once it goes off, it’s the cue for both of you to drop your pants… that’s not very sexy.
Here Is What I Do Advocate That You Try:
Think of this as scheduling a date with your partner, and you get to schedule it for whenever works best for both of you. This is just a time for you to be together, without the distractions you are both faced with all day. Watch a romantic movie or go for a walk in the park. Bring a blanket, lunch, and the music you liked to listen to when you met each other. The next time, you can lay down and hold each other, and talk about future hopes and dreams together. You can reminisce about some of the best times you have already had together. Allow sex to come naturally, whether that is on the first date, or on the tenth.
No pressure:
As a matter of fact, pressure is literally your enemy here. You have been pressuring each other about your lack of sex and that has only made things worse, right?
The Only Rule:
It is very important to respect this commitment and to ensure that nothing gets in its way. If you absolutely must, you can reschedule for another day that same week, but under no circumstances, can either of you cancel this weekly appointment with each other. Ask yourself, what your priorities really are.
Remember:
It has taken you time to grow apart, it’s only reasonable to expect a bit of time to grow close again. You will accomplish this with time, patience, commitment, consistency, respect, and compassion.
The other thing to remember is that growing apart has placed you in a different comfort zone. Bringing yourselves together will require getting out of your current comfort zone. It is therefore understandable that you may feel uncomfortable with this whole idea. However, this is still your partner- the one you love! If you start slowly, as I have suggested, it won’t take long for you both to get into it.
If You Are Still Unsure:
Start even smaller! You can start simply by scheduling a 20-minute walk together, once a week, instead of an actual date. The most important thing is that you both remain open to each other and to the idea of reconnecting. When you feel the momentum, allow it to take over!
-Nubia Santos MS, M.ED, LMHC, CST
